Wow...

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

I can't even to begin to express the ups and downs of emotion that I felt today.  When we got to the hospital I was filled with excitement and then on the other hand I was trying to fight the fear that wanted to take over.  After seeing him for a while and having one of our Pastor's from church (Mike) come and pray for him, they came to take him away.  It was horrible to think it would be the last time I would ever see my little baby with no scars on his body.  But I could only live in the emotion for a few seconds because I knew that this scar brings us one step closer to him living a normal life.  I am not going to lie, there were some tears as they wheeled him out of his room and only an empty space where his bed used to be.  

We moved down to the waiting room to wait for news from the surgeons nurse.  About an hour later she came down and told us that they had started the surgery and that things were going well.  Again we waited for about another hour and she came back and told us that they were just closing him up and that things went really well.  We were so happy.  Then we headed up to the NICU waiting room until he was stable.

We waited with my mom and our friends Dan and Grace.  There was a joy that was felt in the room.  After a while John and I wanted to go and check and see how things were going.  Little did I know that the scariest moments of my life laid ahead.  When we entered the room the doctor was there along with a bunch of other nurses around him.  Griffin looked really puffy (which we were expecting) and then we looked at his numbers on the monitors.  The whole time he has been in the hospital I have tried to avoid obsessing over the numbers, even to the point where John would position my chair so that I couldn't see the numbers!!!  Anyways, we looked at the monitors and the numbers were horrible.  The main number that was bad was his blood oxygen level.  Normally they want him between 75 and 85 his numbers were going between 50 and 60.  There were times it would even dip bellow into the 40's.  The problem was that they just weren't going up.  They would go up for a min. and then go right back down.  This was happening for about a half an hour.  We just sat and watched as the doctors tried to figure out what to do.  You know it is bad when no one is saying anything and they just keep trying different things.  

I can't tell you how hard John and I were praying.  I just kept my hand over my face and prayed like never before, pleading with God to save my son.  Finally after they added a new machine to the mix his numbers started to go up!!!  It was the scariest half hour of my life.  The whole time I really felt a peace that Griffin was going to be ok, but I also knew that there were going to be some ups and downs in his recovery.  I am hoping this is the only down of his recovery.  I don't know if I can make it through another one.  Through this whole thing I have never felt the hand of God so close to me in my life.  At that moment I felt so helpless, but in that helplessness it showed me that God is the only one who is in control.  As a mom the thought of not being able to help my child has been one of my biggest fears of my life.  There was nothing I could do!!!  But God did something, this is exactly why I  cannot hold my children so tight.  No matter how much I think I am in control of taking care of my children it is God who is really in control.

Well I feel like I have just unloaded a lot of thoughts and emotions.  Sorry if it doesn't make much sense, as I said before, not much is making sense.  The only thing that is making sense is that God is in control not me, I can't believe that it has taken my son's life hanging in the balance for me to truly realize that.  

Thank you so much for your prayers all day.  We would still really appreciate your prayers during this recovery time.  He is doing well right now and we pray that it would continue.  Also pray for John, he is doing better (thank the Lord, I don't know if I could have handled it alone today), but he is still not full speed.

love you all.